Under the curve

Do you see it? It’s there,

in the spaces before, between, after,

in the pictures you don’t see here.

Being at point A, or point Z, or any point between –

Hey, I’m here, I made it. Crap.

There I go, falling off as soon as I put my heels down and settle to enjoy it.

Any one point, like a single frame in a movie, on it’s own,

without context, meaningless.

Even several points, plotting a curve, a trajectory,

a trend.

That’s not it either.

Must keep my core engaged, constant tiny movements,

paying attention to each one only in a relativistic sense.

Don’t stand still, keep moving, wavering, dodging,

looking out of the corner of my eye for stars not visible

when I look for them directly.

Look at it, and it’s gone.

Reach for it, and miss entirely,

fall face first on an empty feeling.

Reinforce based on behavior relative to the last time,

predicting how this moment will influence the next.

A calculus of behavior.

Do you see it? It’s not a single point,

not a moment, a trophy, a ribbon.

Not who I have become, but what I have becoming,

am becoming, will become.

Look at any one moment and meaning shrinks to zero.

It’s the area under the curve.

Integration as a process, a puzzle in the solving, as yet unsolved.

Still I grasp and miss, though I get the idea.

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